The Intelligent Virus

Covid-19 is a strange beast indeed. For it seems that it can be passed on in shops so we need masks, but not in offices where we don’t…

We don’t need masks in pubs and restaurants when eating and drinking, so obviously it doesn’t spread then, yet it does when taking a driving test. However, it very conveniently doesn’t spread when you remove your mask so that the examiner can check your ID. That’s considerate of it, isn’t it?

But even in shops, it will only start to spread starting from the 24th of July, so it’s all okay up until then.

Also, hairdressers and beauticians can cut hair and carry out nail treatments providing they wear a mask – so it won’t spread there, but they cannot do any facials, because then it will spread. However, barbers are somehow immune from spreading it when they trim men’s facial hair, so it clearly doesn’t like beards.

The other odd thing about this virus is that it creates a second wave when people go to the beach, but doesn’t when they riot. Likewise, gathering for a clapathon to praise the tractor stats makes you immune as well.

As a summary to all of this, that second wave hasn’t happened despite either the riots or the beach-goers. But, then, I didn’t expect it to, because, being cognitively impaired, I understand how these viruses work, having seen it all before and having a basic grasp of biology, history and statistics. Yet this doesn’t stop people from complaining about a second wave when people do things of which they disapprove, even though they have experienced the evidence for themselves.

The double standards are so blatant, the lies so obvious, yet still “experts” are using computer models to cry wolf and they get treated with gravitas that they do not deserve. Yet still the believers absorb the bullshit, oblivious to the obvious incongruities and think I’m the one who’s mad.

11 Comments

  1. Don’t forget Hydroxychloroquine, the first drug to produce side effects in those that don’t use it!

    I see Toby Young predicts that only 1 in 32,000 carry the virus so that makes shops pretty safe.

  2. 20-25 years ago we had a more than usually severe flu season. After this got a bit press coverage the Govt. (red/blue ?) appointed a Flu Tzar to get things sorted since obviously the NHS didn’t know what to do.
    I mentioned this to a surgeon acquaintance who told me “it’s all rubbish, we’ve been on top of this for a while and the numbers have been falling for three weeks”.

    Lo and behold, after a few days the Flu Tzar was all over the media announcing the demise of the flu due to his bold strategies. Claiming victory when the flu had just ‘fizzled out’ the way it does.
    I think Boris is doing something similar, we know that many NHS Trusts are reporting few new cases and fewer new deaths so I expect that in two weeks time he will glibly announce
    “Crikey ! No new deaths for a whole week and it’s all down to you folks for so magnificently following my inspired plan…”.

  3. Little typo in the OP, 24th of July, there is a ten day window for you to shop without a mask on, the virus has agreed to wait until then before being thwarted by the masks.

  4. I like the idea of masks in supermarkets its stopping the dirty bar stewards coughing and sneezing on food, anyway i dont buy anything loose less chance of it being mauled by the great unwashed (i include myself)

  5. Deep down they really want that ‘second wave’, then they could claim it was all justified, or ‘look because we did all this no second wave’. Sorry, if you had tried that one after three weeks of lockdown to save the NHS it might have worked. Now just when the shops are opening a bit and I am finding out which ones are relaxed enough to be worth going to, you are shutting it all down again.

    They just can’t admit they panicked and over-reacted so now they double-down

    Stepp’d in so far that, should I wade no more,
    Returning were as tedious as go o’er:

    • “Deep down they really want that ‘second wave'”

      Which, since it isn’t coming, is why they are already talking up the natural seasonal reappearance later this year as said ‘second wave’ and blaming it on us for being insufficiently zealous in covid safety.

  6. Most amusing analogy I’ve heard:
    Masks stop Covid in the same way that swimming costumes stop pee going in the pool.

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